The UG Personality Test

This revolutionary new psychological profiling method requires a specialized environment, and is only useful to determine male personalities. With those caveats out of the way, it's fantastically accurate.

In Japan, even the vending
machine drinks are pigeonholed.

More so than blood types, that's for damned sure.

These tests can be performed as formally or as informally as you like, though if the subjects become aware that they are unwittingly being observed, it may skew the results.

The specialized environment? Public restrooms with multiple urinals.

Welcome to the Urinal Gaze Personality test.

You may protest, but it's true: you can observe clear personality indicators by a subject's behavior at the urinal alone. Urinal selection when there is a choice of urinals available is also an expression of fundamental personality traits, but the additional complexity involved has made it thus far impossible to conduct a detailed study.

For what I think are fairly obvious reasons (lack of funding), I do not know if there are equivalent indicators for women.

So let's get to the meat and potatoes, so to speak.

The Narcissist:

Spends urinal time staring fixedly downwards.

Look, it's my penis! What a magnificent link of sausage it is. Pee comes forth, and it is like gold. I pee very well. I am a piss artist. Alas, the peeing is done, and I must now put my penis away. I am bereft. I must drink lots of fluids so that I may pee again soon and experience this joy once more.

Self-absorbed. Inconsiderate. Takes a bathroom break every hour. Wastes everybody's time.

The Ostrich:

Spends urinal time staring fixedly at the wall.

There is no peeing happening here. There is no peeing happening next to me, nor is there any peeing over there. We're all just hanging around in front of the urinals because that's what the cool kids do. There are no penises. No penises!

Lives in denial. Is uptight and inhibited. Prefers being alone. Also brazenly homophobic. Wastes everybody's time.

The Rubbernecker:

Spends urinal time scanning neighboring penises.

That guy has a big dick. Hell, it looks bigger than mine. But that's cool because I'm a grower, not a shower. My dick is totally bigger than his when I am hard. Or take Viagra. And even if it isn't, I am clinically proven to be 34% more skillful at pleasuring the ladies. Man, he's been peeing for two full minutes now. That's some impressive bladder capacity, but I peed for almost three minutes that one time. Ooh, new dick over there. Wow, it's kinda puny. How does he live with himself?

WE R WATCHING U XOXO.
- SKYNET

Judgmental. Tries to hide the fact that he's fundamentally insecure. Needs to be around others, else how will he know that his dick is big? The guy who always has to top others' stories. When he overhears you telling your friend about the Bahamas, he has to tell you about scuba diving with the dolphins in Bali. Wastes everybody's time.

The Gimp:

Also spends urinal time scanning neighboring penises.

That guy's dick isn't so big. Hey, I might even be bigger. But better not double check, I don't want to ruin the dream. And even if I am bigger, he probably gets laid way more often than I do. Man, I suck. Let's look somewhere else. My god, that dick is huge! I should just resign myself to a life of solitude and despair, but why bother when I could just kill myself already?

Low self-esteem. Masochist. Obviously insecure. Needs to be around others, else how will he savor his relative worthlessness? When he overhears you telling your friend about the Bahamas, he has to tell you about the time he got sunburnt and nearly drowned in the community pool. Wastes everybody's time.



That pretty much covers the gamut of masculinity, in all its magical diversity. No special snowflakes here, just urinal cake.

Happy peeing!